Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: My NASCAR experience lived up to the hype

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Celia Rivenbark’s Weekend Humor: My NASCAR experience was a hitI love loud engines like crazy. The distinctive “potato-potato-potato” sound of a Harley-Davidson, the roar of flights from the airport near my house, the angry rumble of a stock car… these sounds make me happy and I don’t know why. I mean this by way of explaining how I wore a flame retardant coverall (men’s small) with a helmet so heavy and bulky I thought I was going to crawl out the window of a real race car at Charlotte and topple over. Motor Speedway. Dear Spirit Husband gave me the “NASCAR Experience” for my birthday and I joined a group of 10 people at check-in, excited and scared. I was delighted to see two other women in the group whom I would call Grace and Frankie. “Us girls should stick together,” said Frankie, now 75^etc was celebrating his birthday. He is 50<sup>just because he jumped out of the plane. 50 that I got Showtime for Frankie I said for For some reason, it didn’t seem like it used to. Grace, 71, was a little firebrand who missed driving 90 mph or more back home in Kansas. He described his plan to get a license that would allow him to drive a truck for long distances. Her husband smiled during the conversation. Duh was standing nearby eating chips. Grace, Frankie, and I sat with our “teammates” in a darkened theater to watch the required 30-minute video. One of the men immediately fell asleep. The video was equal parts informative and terrifying. There has been a lot of talk about what to do if your car breaks down. (Remove the steering wheel–whoaaa???–crawl out the window.) They were scrambling to stay between the “white dots.” More on that later. On the other hand, great emphasis was placed on not crossing the white line at the turn. The turn is a big, high wall, and I was sick to my stomach when I saw it with my own eyes. How would I do this? Why did I agree to this? What other white dots??? It was a sweaty hour before it was my turn. Grace and Frankie gave me thumbs ups and advice that I couldn’t hear because my head was wrapped in a soundproof pumpkin. The teenager whose job it was to push me out the window (these cars don’t have doors, mind you) was visibly sweating. a good. I never said I was a tomboy. He tied me so tightly that I felt my pancreas move uncomfortably to the area below my throat. He attached a metal plate to the back of my head that looked like an electric chair. He asked, “Are you ready?” I said “Sure” but he turned away. I was a bit slow on the second, third and fourth verses. Celia! Be the fourth as fast as you can!’ he said through my helmet radio. If he didn’t come out looking like Sam Elliott, I’d be crying in my giant pumpkin head. I was relieved that I didn’t choke like a couple of previous drivers. I was on step four within seconds and Sam Elliott was in my ear urging me to GET TO 2800 NOW!!!!! I had no idea what he was talking about, but I figured it meant “drive faster.” Note to NASCAR: Just use English. I don’t speak RPM. Eventually, I picked up speed as Sam Elliott’s voice seemed calmer. To be honest, I was a little worried about him. The turn was coming, it was scary. I flew halfway up the wall and accelerated. Here is the point. The machine works. “He’s got you,” I thought I heard Sam say through the headset motor. He was right. There was no way he was going to crash. It’s hard to explain, but these machines are amazing machines, and if you meet them halfway, you’ll be fine. I only had five minutes (which ain’t cheap), so Sam walked me back to the pit. In my dreams I hear him shouting LEFT! LEFT!!! NOW LEFT!!!!! white dots? I have never seen them. Oops. Not knowing how fast I had gone, I got out of the car with the grace of a wounded buffalo. A few days later, I received my certificate in the mail, which showed that my top speed for three laps was 137.28 mph. Just call me Ricky-Bobby. I didn’t get to say goodbye to Grace and Frankie, but I had an amazing birthday party for Frankie that night and I think Grace will be driving the big rigs one day. Me? I am considering adding Disney Plus. <em><img loading="lazy" class="alignleft wp-image-134482" src="http://pulse.ncpolicywatch.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Celia-Rivenbark-2021-150x150.jpg" alt= "" width="142" height="142" /><a href="https://celiarivenbark.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Celia Rivenbark</a> Best seller in New York. writer and speaker. To her <a href="mailto:celiarivenbark@gmail.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener">celiarivenbark@gmail.com</a> write to</em>